i find myself listening to depressing music, and i start to laugh and think "i'm glad hil's outta the room cause when she comes back she's totally going to make fun of me for this."

only to realize:
she isn't coming back.

no one's coming in here to check on me.
it's just me...
alone
sitting
my back shielding me
from her empty side of the room
...those glarring white walls make me wince.

these words are frustrating because they are too verbose to capture this feeling of (almost) complete stillness. the only sounds are the rain drops whispering outside my window + the few lonely, solitary, notes coming out of my speakers.
nothing more.
nothing less.

change is so much easier to deal with when you're busy. when it's a whirlwind of excitement, endless hellos and goodbyes, a set of obtainable objectives. sometimes it's easy to completely miss that moment when you sit down and realize that it's just you. wearing a set of clothes which you will eventually discard, carrying around items which will eventually break or be put into storage, thinking about troubles and people that will come to mean nothing yet somehow everything.

suddenly
i feel very small.