Asha

sneakerfille @ 2009-06-21T19:19:00

2009-06-21T23:24:12Z

i can't think of anything sexier right now.

can you?

didn't think so.

yesyesmmmmmmmmm

sneakerfille @ 2009-04-08T18:54:00

2009-04-08T22:55:15Z

swoooooooooooooooooooooooooooon

sneakerfille @ 2009-03-23T00:38:00

2009-03-23T04:46:53Z

wake me up
if you want to make it physical
check my pulse
the condition isn't critical

why do i sweat in the middle of winter
why do i wake in the middle of night
why do i tremble when i think about rainbows
why am i wrong when i know that i'm right?

take me down
in the middle of a miracle
shake me up
with a little bit of cynical

make yourself comfortable
and just enjoy it
it's really wonderful
so why avoid it.

don't look down
when you're this high
so unique
as a total individual
every day
(this can be our little ritual)

why do i cry at the big happy endings
why don't i blink when i look at the sun
why do i revel in the light of my nightmares
why do i stay when my friends are all gone?

it makes me comfortable
and i enjoy it
it's kinda wonderful
so why avoid it...

life goals

2009-02-22T17:32:45Z

if you find me
i'll be sitting by the water fountain,
picket signs/letdowns/meltdown
on monday mornin

yeah yeah we can all grab the chance
and be handsome farmers
and the pain we left the station
will stay in a jar behind us
we can pickle the pain
into blue ribbon winners at county contests

this list is dated 10/18/08
created at 1369 with the wonderful cai watt + delicious coffee in hand
i just spent this entire vacation stressed beyond belief, workingworkingworking.
time to recenter even as i throw myself deeper into the BTR abyss.

items in bold are things that i want to accomplish within the next 1-3 years.

Asha's Life Goals
* live in montreal (2 mo. minimum)
* host a non-bio family thanksgiving
* experience giving childbirth (only once though)
* learn spanish
* have at least 2-5 kids.
* work on a farm! very imperative!
* never get married with the expectation that it will last forever.
* own a Big Dog. read: german shepard/chow/border collie mix?
* learn how to cook good vegan foodz -- with lentils!
* get tatoo'd
* eventually stop drinking and live the rest of my life in sobriety.
* try out (for serious) meditation.
* try out (for serious) religion. (hare krishna-ness? UU's?)
* build my own bike.
* redevote myself to violin hardkore. ie at least 6 months, 5 days a week.
* subnote: bluegrass! oh yes.
* guitar or piano, also, at some point in my life when i have more time...
* backpack several countries. europe = current goal, but would love to try south america, india, or south east asia if language allows. (update: i'm thinking brazil.... and since cai is now going to peace corps in panama, maybe i should swing by sometime...)
* have sex: on a rooftop (almost, once upon a time), out in ze wilderness, in a single sleeping bag (it's gotta be possible)
* hike the appalachian trail?
* bike to the bookmill
* visit that big island of canada's outside of vancouver
* trainjump!
* be homeless (2-3 months, summer)
* subnote: sleep on a beach.
* party in p-town sometime.
* ~~live in a co-op~~
* since ^ was accomplished, let's aim high and say: help my co-op buy a house for itself/us.
* build my own house. if i decide i want to.
* own a cabin/house in the woods. (yet always have a room in a city, somewhere?)
* play in a band? maybe? hm.
* find carola in 5 years.
* 11-11-2011 ==> my birthday of infamy!!
* make my own messanger bag, a la Freitag
* brew my own beer
* live in a big victorian (yet somehow solar powered?) house filled with people i love.
* learn how to sew.
* make tofu.

post-october additions:
* do a 2-3 week bike tour of new england.
* make my own beats.
* start a public education system montessorri/free school.
* learn how to make bread
* become proficient in non-violent communication/mediation.

in sum....:

2009-01-29T12:03:32Z

“The danger in telling them the answer
is that they think that the knowledge
lies outside of themselves.”
–Francesca

sneakerfille @ 2009-01-28T22:35:00

2009-01-29T03:36:39Z

"It is absolutely paradoxical; we cannot understand it, and we don't know what it means, but we have proved it, and therefore we know it must be the truth."

Recently, George Lakoff and Rafael E. Núñez 1 argued that mathematics is based on `conceptual metaphors' that are

... a cognitive mechanism for allowing us to reason about one kind of thing as if it were another.

A `conceptual metaphor' is an

... inference-preserving cross-domain mapping ...

The authors argued that mathematics consists of metaphor piled on metaphor, blended and transformed, so people often do not realize the basis of it all.

Lakoff and Núñez provided evidence that infants can see the sizes of groups of up to four objects and recognize subtraction and addition prior to the development of language. They contend that arithmetic comes from an inference-preserving extension of this ability to larger numbers.

Moreover, they argue that there are actually four `grounding' metaphors (metaphors based on experiences many of us had as children); these are

* adding and taking away objects from a collection (playing with pebbles);

* construction of a larger whole from smaller objects (playing with blocks);

* measuring the width or height of something (by stretching our hands to the ends of the object or standing up to see how high it is);

* moving from one place to another (by crawling or walking).

These experiences provide us with four metaphors that work with arithmetic: four inference-preserving cross-domain mapping mechanisms that work consistently with each other and the world.

Measuring provides us with zero and moving provides us with negative numbers. By blending these metaphors, and insisting on consistency, we get zero and negative numbers for collections, too. And then by adding new metaphors based on existing arithmetic metaphors onto existing ones, we get the `empty set' and set theory....

Metaphors do not just distort reality but compose it.

These ideas change the salience of my understanding. No longer do I think of a metaphor as `merely' a figure of speech or as an aid to thinking. Instead, I have come to realize that much thought — and all abstract thought — is based on metaphors.

The key to understanding — not the key to mathematical proof, which is different — is that mathematics comes from consistently extending fundamental experience, such as crawling. Each extension is consistent with what went before, but a little different.

Mathematics is difficult because most people do not see the metaphors that give meaning. So all they learn is proof, which is boring when meaningless.

sneakerfille @ 2009-01-07T00:02:00

2009-01-07T05:02:58Z

"When I examine living beings very closely, I find a common sensual intensity that exhilarates and seizes me at the deepest level. We are beautiful, repulsive, and erotic all at once. I am only revived by my chance encounters with these pieces of pulsing life that seem surprisingly rare in the civilized world. This flesh that lies hidden is what moves me in a most sublime way."

sneakerfille @ 2008-08-02T23:06:00

2008-08-03T04:15:19Z

Perhaps, it is that flexible concept that defines relationships and how they develop, maybe you need to not be with someone in order to love them properly. Maybe it is just a shitty old world and you gotta accept love anyway it comes to you. With me, I usually only ever get love in small portions or in abnormal or conditional ways that never stay too long. Do I like it like that...who knows. That is like wondering if you had a different mom, would you be better off. No, instead you cherish what you have. I love my mom, because she is the only mom I will ever have, and I love my fucked up incomplete loves, because they are all I have ever known.

I read something about memories, and how in a way, every time you remember something, you relive it and destroy the old memory, leaving yourself with the new version that is filtered through who you are now, changed a little bit.

I suffer from spilling too many words and images that are too strong because my desire to be understood directly conflicts with my aversion to being understood too well.

http://www.asofterworld.com/bw-display.php?id=2

ho hum.

sneakerfille @ 2008-07-06T23:15:00

2008-07-07T03:16:33Z

restless.
restless.
restless.

sneakerfille @ 2008-07-01T04:14:00

2008-07-01T09:17:17Z

i felt strangely compelled to translate this...
translating poetry is tricky
you have to have a knack for it
(which i, unfortunately, lack)
i've toyed with this one for years.
its simplicity always strikes me.
undoubtedly, i'll look back and find several words
to be unacceptable approximations.
it doesn't do justice to the french version
but for now,
it will do.

Non-dits

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on les a tus trop longtemps
Parce qu’ils rouvriraient nos blessures
Parce qu’ils sont trop lourds de colère
Et réclament une justice
Qui ne sera pas rendue

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’ils rempliraient nos yeux de larmes
Parce qu’ils nous font trop peur
Parce qu’ils nous feraient trop mal
Parce qu’il est trop tôt
Ou bien qu’il est trop tard

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on a appris à se taire
Parce qu’ils feraient désordre
Parce que de toute façon les autres
Ne les comprendraient pas

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on y pense pas
Parce qu’on n’a rien à se dire
Parce qu’on veut les oublier
Parce qu’on ne les pense plus
Et qu’on est fatigué

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on ne sait comment les dire
Parce qu’on n’a jamais appris
Parce qu’on ne peut que les écrire
Parce qu’ils sont contradictoires
Et que ce n’est pas permis

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on n’ose pas aller vers l’autre
Parce qu’il est dangereux d’aimer
Parce qu’on ne veut pas ôter son masque
Parce qu’on se sait tellement fragile
Et qu’on préfère se protéger

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on n’ose pas demander
Parce qu’on ne veut même plus rêver
Parce qu’on n’ose pas se toucher
Parce qu’il est tard,
Qu’on n’a plus rien à espérer

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce que ça bouleverserait l’ordre établi
Parce que ça obligerait à les entendre
Parce que ça ferait tellement de bruit
Parce que ça ouvrirait les vannes
Et qu’on a peur d’être noyé

Il y a
Tous ces mots que l’on ne dit pas
Alors qu’ils déplaceraient les montagnes
Alors qu’ils ouvriraient portes et fenêtres
Alors qu’ils bâtiraient des ponts, des routes
Alors qu’ils feraient chanter la lumière
Et revenir la vie

Il y a
Tous ces mots que l’on ne dit pas

Comment faisons-nous pour nous taire
De quoi pouvons-nous bien parler
S’il ne restait qu’une chose à faire
Ce serait d’enfin s’écouter...

17.10.96

crappy ad hoc translation:

there are
words one does not say
because we killed them long ago
because they reopen our wounds
because they are too full of anger
and demand a justice
which will not be rendered

there are
words one does not say
because they fill our eyes with tears
because they bring us too much fear
because they would bring too much badness/grief
because it is too soon
or, perhaps, because it is too late

there are
words one does not say
because one understands when to shut up
because they would create disorder
because in any case the others
would not understand them

there are
words one does not say
because we don't think of them
because we have nothing to say
because we want to forget them
because we think of them no longer
and we are tired

there are
words one does not say
because we do not know how to say them
because we never learned
because we cannot write them
because they are contradictory
and because they are not permitted

there are
words one does not say
because we dare not go towards the other
because it is dangerous to love
because we do not want to remove our mask
because we know ourselves to be so very fragile
and one prefers to protect herself

there are
words one does not say
because we dare not demand
because we do not want to dream
because one doesn't dare to touch herself
because it is so late
that we have nothing left to hope for

there are
words one does not say
because that would distress the established order
because that would force others to hear them
because that would make too much noise
because that would open the windows
and we have a fear of being drowned

there are
all these words which we do not say
while they would displace mountains
while they would open doors and windows
while they would build brides, roads
while they would let the light sing
and return life

there are
all these words which one does not say

why do we shut ourselves up
of what we can very well say
if there remains nothing but one thing to do
it should be this, in the end, to listen

"Ce n'est pas parce qu'il ne t'est rien revenu, que ce n'est rien devenu… "

2008-04-06T22:56:08Z

Nous ne savons jamais ce qui se perd ou ce qui reste, à quel moment nous avons fait un geste ou prononcé une parole qui sera peut-être décisive pour la suite d'une histoire, la nôtre ou celle de l'autre, d'un autre... quelles graines trouveront une terre favorable et s'enracineront, pour longtemps peut-être, et lesquelles se perdront.

Ni tambours ni trompettes, l'instant est passé, la phrase a été dite, sans que nul ne s'en aperçoive. Des semaines ou des années plus tard peut-être, on vous dira: "C'est le jour où tu m'as dit..." ou peut-être on ne vous dira rien, vous ne saurez jamais. Le début d'une amitié, les germes d'une rupture, ou même une rencontre de passage, une seule phrase, qui fait basculer d'un côté ou de l'autre...

Nous ne savons pas davantage ce qu'il reste d'un amour qui se termine, ni comment cette invisible empreinte évoluera au fil du temps. L'amour donné, reçu, ne disparaît pas mais devient autre, chemine en nous, à notre insu…

we never know who/what is lost or what remains, at what moment we have made a gesture or pronounced a word which will perhaps decide the course of a history, the story of us or another, of the other... which grains will find favorable earth and take root, for a long time maybe, and which will lose themselves.

neither drums nor trumpets, the moment has passed, the phrase uttered, without anyone perceiving it. weeks or years later maybe, they will say to you: "this was the day where you told me..." or maybe they will not say anything, you will never know. the beginning of a friendship, the germination of a rupture, or even a chance encounter, a single phrase, which tips from one side to the other...

we do not know more of what is left of a love that has finished, nor how its invisible impression will evolve over the passage of time. love given, received, does not disappear but becomes another, a route inside us, to our unawareness...

http://www.maisonplume.net/devenir.htm

sneakerfille @ 2007-09-10T01:21:00

2007-09-10T05:22:33Z

"The act of instruction can be viewed as helping the students unravel individual strands of belief, label them, and then weave them into a fabric of more complete understanding."

sneakerfille @ 2007-06-10T00:45:00

2007-06-09T23:19:33Z

"... although the truth is I am not in love with her, she said, 'I love you,' I told her how I felt, this is how I told her: I held her hands out to her sides, pointed her index fingers toward each other and slowly, very slowly, moved them in, the closer they got, the more slowly I moved them, and then, as they were about to touch, as they were only a dictionary page from touching, pressing on opposite sides of the word 'love,' I stopped them and held them here."

-Jonathan Safran Foer

there was something about the handwriting
that made me keep every scrap
something about the way the eyes
looked away at the last
i kept somethin burnin
on the sill real low
(but now i don't know)

have you got me
in your bleeding heart file
next to lady luck

words.

2007-05-20T01:25:01Z

"She is no longer as certain that the object is entirely recuperable, no longer as arrogant as to presume a subject position that is inviolable, no longer as naive as to think the transactions of knowledge are innocent."

-biman basu

sneakerfille @ 2007-05-15T01:01:00

2007-05-14T23:04:00Z

Non-dits

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on les a tus trop longtemps
Parce qu’ils rouvriraient nos blessures
Parce qu’ils sont trop lourds de colère
Et réclament une justice
Qui ne sera pas rendue

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’ils rempliraient nos yeux de larmes
Parce qu’ils nous font trop peur
Parce qu’ils nous feraient trop mal
Parce qu’il est trop tôt
Ou bien qu’il est trop tard

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on a appris à se taire
Parce qu’ils feraient désordre
Parce que de toute façon les autres
Ne les comprendraient pas

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on y pense pas
Parce qu’on n’a rien à se dire
Parce qu’on veut les oublier
Parce qu’on ne les pense plus
Et qu’on est fatigué

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on ne sait comment les dire
Parce qu’on n’a jamais appris
Parce qu’on ne peut que les écrire
Parce qu’ils sont contradictoires
Et que ce n’est pas permis

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on n’ose pas aller vers l’autre
Parce qu’il est dangereux d’aimer
Parce qu’on ne veut pas ôter son masque
Parce qu’on se sait tellement fragile
Et qu’on préfère se protéger

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce qu’on n’ose pas demander
Parce qu’on ne veut même plus rêver
Parce qu’on n’ose pas se toucher
Parce qu’il est tard,
Qu’on n’a plus rien à espérer

Il y a
Les mots que l’on ne dit pas
Parce que ça bouleverserait l’ordre établi
Parce que ça obligerait à les entendre
Parce que ça ferait tellement de bruit
Parce que ça ouvrirait les vannes
Et qu’on a peur d’être noyé

Il y a
Tous ces mots que l’on ne dit pas
Alors qu’ils déplaceraient les montagnes
Alors qu’ils ouvriraient portes et fenêtres
Alors qu’ils bâtiraient des ponts, des routes
Alors qu’ils feraient chanter la lumière
Et revenir la vie

Il y a
Tous ces mots que l’on ne dit pas

Comment faisons-nous pour nous taire
De quoi pouvons-nous bien parler
S’il ne restait qu’une chose à faire
Ce serait d’enfin s’écouter...

17.10.96

sneakerfille @ 2006-05-22T21:49:00

2006-05-23T02:50:46Z

"there's so much beauty in this world that people just don't see..."
-grandpa

sneakerfille @ 2006-05-12T22:55:00

2006-05-13T03:05:08Z

i find myself listening to depressing music, and i start to laugh and think "i'm glad hil's outta the room cause when she comes back she's totally going to make fun of me for this."

only to realize:
she isn't coming back.

no one's coming in here to check on me.
it's just me...
alone
sitting
my back shielding me
from her empty side of the room
...those glarring white walls make me wince.

these words are frustrating because they are too verbose to capture this feeling of (almost) complete stillness. the only sounds are the rain drops whispering outside my window + the few lonely, solitary, notes coming out of my speakers.
nothing more.
nothing less.

change is so much easier to deal with when you're busy. when it's a whirlwind of excitement, endless hellos and goodbyes, a set of obtainable objectives. sometimes it's easy to completely miss that moment when you sit down and realize that it's just you. wearing a set of clothes which you will eventually discard, carrying around items which will eventually break or be put into storage, thinking about troubles and people that will come to mean nothing yet somehow everything.

suddenly
i feel very small.

sneakerfille @ 2006-04-13T22:18:00

2006-04-14T02:19:59Z

i'm such a dysfunctional, yet somehow functioning, wreck right now.

the irony that i am being photographed tomorrow to be a representative for smith (via the "i am smith" profile thing) amazes me.

don'tcha know who i am
because i don't know myself anymore
(i just wanna see)
because i didn't know what it was before
i didn't know what it was..

i knew you before
feeling emotion, maybe,
i look at you now
and question the future

a perceptive piece of truth

2006-04-13T00:58:22Z

balace
repition
composition
mirrors

most of all the world is a place
where parts of wholes are described
whithin an overarching paradigm of clarity
and accuracy
the context of which makes possible
an underlying sense of the way it all fits together
despite our collective tendancy not to concieve of it as such

but then again
the world without end
is a place where souls are combined
but with an overbearing feeling of disparity,
disorderliness
to ingnore is impossible
without getting oneslef
into all kinds of trouble
despite one's best intentions
not to get entangled with it so much

and meanwhile the statues are bleeding green
and others are saying things
much better than we ever could
as the quiet becomes suddenly verbose

and the hail is heralding the size of nickles,
and the street corners are gnashing together
like gears inside the head
of some omnicient engineer
and downward flows the garnered wisdom
that has never died

when finally we opened the box
we couldn't find any rules
our heads were reeling with a glut of possibilities,
contingencies
but with ever increasing faith
we decided to go ahead and just ingnore them
despite tremendous pressure to capitulate and fade

so instead we went ahead
to fabricate a catalog
of unstable elements
and modicums
and particles with non-zero total strangeness
for brief moments which amount
to nothing more than tiny fragments of a finger snap

and meanwhile we're furiously sleeping green
and the map has started tearing along it's creases
due to overuse
when in reality, it's never needed folds

and the air's witholding the sound
of its wellspring,
and our heads are approacing a density
reminiscient of the infinite connectivity
of the center of the sun
and therein lies the garnered wisdom
that has never died

expectation leads to disappointment
if we don't expect something big, huge, and exciting
usually, uh
i dont know, it's just not as

...yeah...

sneakerfille @ 2006-02-13T01:19:00

2006-02-13T06:37:41Z

i'm soooooooooo ready to get outta this town.

(let the countdown begin)

yes and no are just distinguished by distinction,
so we choose the in-between
give up your books and put an end to your worries
enjoy central park in spring
our minds are empty
like we're too young to know to smile
we know to fear what others fear, is nonsense
(right?)

the books suggest we set our hearts
on doing nothing,
and then nothing's left undone
everybody's busy waiting for the go ahead
but by then their heads are gone
our minds are empty
graves as well as strange
(take this)

we know to seek success is utter nonsense
the best is to be blank.

sneakerfille @ 2006-01-02T22:51:00

2006-01-03T04:53:49Z

really, can a hometown get any better than this? didn't think so
clickity-click!:

Office of the Mayor

Proclamation

Lawrence, Kansas

WHEREAS: Dadaism is an international tendency in art that seeks to change conventional attitudes and practices in aesthetics, society, and morality; and

WHEREAS: Dadaism may or may not have come into being in the summer of 1916 at the Cabaret Voltaire at 1 Spiegelgasse in Zürich, Switzerland, with the participation of Hugo Ball, Tristan Tzara, Emmy Hennings, Marcel and Georges Janco, Jean Arp, and Richard Heulsenbeck; and

WHEREAS: The central message of Dada is the realization that reason and anti-reason, sense and nonsense, design and chance, consciousness and unconsciousness, belong together as necessary parts of a whole; and

WHEREAS: Dada is a virgin microbe which penetrates with the insistence of air into all those spaces that reason has failed to fill with words and conventions; and

WHEREAS: zimzim urallala zimzim urallala zimzim zanzibar zimzalla zam;

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Dennis “Boog” Highberger, Mayor of the City of Lawrence, Kansas, do hereby proclaim the days of February 4, April 1, March 28, July 15, August 2, August 7, August 16, August 26, September 18, September 22, October 1, October 17, and October 26, 2006 as

“INTERNATIONAL DADAISM MONTH”

and I encourage all citizens

.

Dennis “Boog” Highberger

December 27, 2005

sneakerfille @ 2005-11-20T23:52:00

2005-11-21T00:03:28Z

"i'm tired of feeling"

and

"i'm too tired to feel"

...are appearing remarkably similar to me right now.

sneakerfille @ 2005-11-10T23:02:00

2005-11-11T04:08:44Z

fall 05 playlist...

1. the execution of all things- rilo kiley
2. put a lid on it - squirrel nut zippers
3. the good that won't come out- rilo
4. on the bound-fiona
5. woman king- iron & wine
6. freedom- melissa ferrick
7. hey boy-the blow
8. the truth- handsome boy modeling school
9. the first taste- fiona
10. blue-joni
11. deadweight on velveteen- jose gonzalez
12. 20.000 seconds- k's choice
13. faded from the winter- iron & wine
14. heartbeats-jose
15. walk away-ben harper
16. erin mckeown- dirt gardener

i miss all my old playlists. but at least now i'm making new ones.

sneakerfille @ 2005-10-30T18:54:00

2005-10-31T01:06:18Z

fall is fading away...
mm.

one night to be confused
one night to speed up truth
we had a promise made
four hands and then away
both under influence
we had divine scent
to know what to say
(mind is a razorblade)

one night of magic rush
the start: a simple touch
one night to push and scream
and then relief
ten days of perfect tunes
the colours red and blue
we had a promise made,
(we were in love...)

and you, you knew the hand of a devil
and you kept us awake with wolves teeth
sharing different heartbeats in one night

to call for hands above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no...

sneakerfille @ 2005-10-05T00:39:00

2005-10-05T04:40:30Z

it's the balance between inhibitions, desire, curiosity and sanity.